How buildings influence society and how society is influenced by buildings – an introduction

This is the introduction part of my Phd. Research Proposal that I sent to the University of Trento, Faculty of Sociology and Social Sciences. Even thought not approved I would like to share it with you with the hope that it would be useful in one way or another. I am fond of discovering the relationships and variety of factors that determine certain choices related to architecture, design and even lifestyle. And I believe them to be very little connected to philosophical inclinations or extensive reading of books of the abstract kind. This luxury belongs only to a few and is understood by even fewer. The rest of the world has a much more empirical approach, which is far more intuitive and easy.

The connection between architecture and society is obvious and even though sometimes ignored, it is something that we have to keep in mind when ever we want to build or design something for people other than ourselves.

We all know people and their activities are inherent to architecture.

Buildings, essentially a social and cultural products, are influenced by the ideas, values, beliefs, activities, relationships and forms of the social organizations that they sustain. Society produces buildings, and the buildings, although not producing society, help to maintain many of its social forms.

But don’t you sometimes wonder that maybe our physical environment influences the way we live together and behave toward one another in social situations such as housing, work, school, health care, and that buildings influence and become influenced by society and its organizations, as well as by human behavior.

So what can we understand about a society by examining its buildings and physical environment? And what can we understand about buildings and environments by examining the society in which they exist?

Simon Unwin in his book, Analyzing architecture, states that people make places in which to do things they do in their lives – places to eat, to sleep, to shop, to worship, to argue, to learn, to store and so on. The way in which they organize their places is related to their beliefs and their aspirations, their world view. As world views vary, so does architecture, at the personal level, at the social level and cultural level, and between different sub-cultures within a society. I find this to be greatly subtle and inspiring. If you understand how a person relates to the world, you understand how to design for that person. And perhaps even judge less considering that all world views are valid, mainly since they are so strongly related to the variety of factors to which a certain individual is exposed.

It is more than obvious that buildings and the entire built environment are essentially social and cultural products. Buildings result from social needs and accommodate a variety of functions: social, political, economic, religious and cultural. Their size, appearance, location and form are governed not simply by physical factors but by a society’s ideas, it’s forms of economic and social organizations, it’s distribution of resources and authority, its activities, and the beliefs and values, which prevail at any one period of time. As changes in the society occur, so too does change in its build environment. New building types emerge as old ones become obsolete. Some buildings are modified, extended and take on different functions; others may simply disappear. Society produces its buildings, and the buildings, although not producing society, help to maintain many of its social forms.

And as a result if we are to understand buildings and environments, we must understand the society and culture in which they exist. Not only will this help contribute to the development of methods for designing with intent, furthermore generating design patterns for environmental and social behavior change, but it will contribute to emphasizing the importance of inter-disciplinary collaborations in general, and sociology and architecture in particular.

I believe a research related to this topic would be useful in the sense that it will try to establish what is common to all men as humans and social beings and what is unique to them as individuals, or as members of any one society or culture. The result would not only bring a possible social explanations of built form but the way in which built form can be used to understand society and its institutions.  So if certain institutions are common to all societies, do they give rise to common building types? If so, how do such types vary from culture to culture? The office block, for example, may be a universal building type in modern societies, yet how does its form and internal arrangements vary between Germany and Cuba, or Canada and Indonesia?

By studying the connection between society and the built environment, we could determine how architecture as well as the larger built environment is used as an instrument of social control. It is not just a question of ‘society’s’ ideas and beliefs being incorporated into built form. True, some ideas and behavior are shared by all members of a particular society (indeed, it is partly these that distinguish them as belonging to the same culture); others, however, are not. The social distribution of ideas, knowledge or values is equally important. So I ask on the basis of whose ideas, whose beliefs, whose values or whose view of the world are decisions based? These questions can be asked equally about any aspect of the built environment today.

As a conclusion I have this question from a zen teaching that I like very much : “If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound ?” Similar to it, I ask if there were no people would the built environment still exist? The answer is not only obvious but it’s also full of meaning. Buildings are influenced by society and to some extent society can be influenced by its buildings, and I believe this is a topic worth sharing and exploring.

 

Further reading suggestions

Books

• Castells, M. (1978), City, Class and Power, Macmillan, London.
• Douglas, M. (1973), Rules and Meanings, Penguin, Harmondsworth.
• Duly, C. (1979), The Houses of Mankind, Thames & Hudson, London.
• Dumont, L. (1972), Homo Hierarchicus, Paladin, London.
• Eisenstadt, S.N. (1968), ‘Social institutions’, in International Encyclopaedia of the Social Sciences, Macmillan, New York, pp. 409–29.
• Hurd, G. (ed.) (1978), Human Societies, Routledge & Kegan Paul, London
• Rapoport, A. (1969), House Form and Culture, Prentice-Hall, Englewood Cliffs, NJ.
• Rapoport, A. (1971), ‘Some observations regarding man-environment studies’, Architectural Research and Teaching, vol. 2, no. 1,4–14.
• Rapoport, A. (1976), The Mutual Interaction of People and Their Built Environment. A Cross-cultural Perspective, Mouton, The Hague.
• Rapoport, A. (1977), Human Aspects of Urban Form, Pergamon, London.
• Rex, J. and Moore, R. (1967), Race, Community and Conflict, Oxford University Press, London.
• Scheflen, A.E. (1976), Human Territories. How We Behave in Space—Time, Prentice-Hall, Englewood Cliffs, NJ.
• Alexander, Christopher and other, A pattern Language: Towns Buildings, Construction, Oxford UP, New York 1977
• Alexander, Christopher, The timeless way of Building, Oxford UP, New York, 1979
• Atkinson, Robert and Bagenal, Hope – Theory and Elements of Architecture, Ernest Benn, London, 1926
• Norberg-Schulz, Christian, Existence, Space and Architecture, Studio Vista, London, 1971
• Norberg-Schulz, Christian, Genius Loci, Towards a phenomenology of architecture ,Rizolli, 1979
• Gutman, Robert, Architecture from outside in, Princeton Architecture Press, 2010
• Gutman, Robert, People and Buildings. New York: Basic Books, 1972.

 

Articles

 Gutman, Robert

“A Sociologist Looks at Housing.” In Toward a National Urban Policy, edited by Daniel Patrick Moynihan, 119–32. New York: Basic Books, 1970.*

“Use of Sociology in Design Practice.” In Proceedings of the Interprofessional Council on Environmental Design: Conference on Application of Behavioral Sciences to Environmental Design, 109–14. New York: American Society of Civil Engineers, 1971.with Barbara Westergaard.

“Building Evaluation, User Satisfaction, and Design.” In Designing for Human Behavior: Architecture and the Behavioral Sciences, edited by Jon T. Lang et al., 320–29.Stroudsburg, PA: Dowden, Hutchinson & Ross, 1974.*

“The Social Function of the Built Environment.” In The Mutual Interaction of People and Their Built Environment: A Cross-Cultural Perspective, edited by Amos Rapoport, 37–49. The Hague, Netherlands: Mouton Publishers, 1976

 

*Brisbane, multiple exposure photo by Mi Zhang

What do we really need to be happy?

Nothing of what we are led to believe we need. Do you really need the most fancy tooth paste to be happy? or most expensive phone? the oldest wine or the best bread out there ? Or the best position in your company? Or the best job or the best client? Do you believe that going to the most expensive restaurant is what you really need to be happy?  For some strange reason we all want customized experiences and products, we all want the best that’s out there because for some strange reason we believe if we have it that would make us happy, but when we are given so many options from where to choose, we have no idea what to choose and this in turn doesn’t only make us unhappy and uneasy but it complicates our lives to the extent of depression. And who could blame us.

Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation” in Psychological Review, introduces the concept of the Hierarchy of Needs.  This hierarchy establishes the basic human needs , and the importance they have for an individual. There are physical needs like : air, water and food  which are metabolic requirements for survival and clothing and shelter which provide necessary protection from the elements. Once these are relatively satisfied, the individual’s safety needs take precedence and dominate behavior. After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves feelings of belongingness. According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among their social groups, regardless whether these groups are large or small.

So according to Maslow what you need is to breath, eat, sleep, be safe and belong. And now I ask you : would this make you happy? I have the impression it wouldn’t because there really is this great Tissot watch at the Mall that you wanted to buy on Christmas, and once you will finally be happy. Will it really?

Manfred Max-Neef, however, in collaboration with other scientists introduces the concept of Human Needs and Human-scale Development, which I believe better explain the need concept. He classifies the fundamental human needs as: subsistence,  protection,  affection, understanding,  participation, leisure, creation, identity and freedom. Furthermore needs receive a further qualification by relating them to existential categories such as : being(qualities), having(things), doing(actions) and interacting (seetings).

Needs	Being	Having	Doing	Interacting
Subsistence	physical and mental health	food, shelter, work	feed, clothe, rest, work	living environment, social setting
Protection	care, adaptability, autonomy	social security, health systems, work	co-operate, plan, take care of, help	social environment, dwelling
Affection	respect, sense of humour, generosity, sensuality	friendships, family, relationships with nature	share, take care of, make love, express emotions	privacy, intimate spaces of togetherness
Understanding	critical capacity, curiosity, intuition	literature, teachers, policies, educational	analyse, study, meditate, investigate,	schools, families, universities, communities,
Participation	receptiveness, dedication, sense of humour	responsibilities, duties, work, rights	cooperate, dissent, express opinions	associations, parties, churches, neighbourhoods
Leisure	imagination, tranquility, spontaneity	games, parties, peace of mind	day-dream, remember, relax, have fun	landscapes, intimate spaces, places to be alone
Creation	imagination, boldness, inventiveness, curiosity	abilities, skills, work, techniques	invent, build, design, work, compose, interpret	spaces for expression, workshops, audiences
Identity	sense of belonging, self-esteem, consistency	language, religions, work, customs, values, norms	get to know oneself, grow, commit oneself	places one belongs to, everyday settings
Freedom	autonomy, passion, self-esteem, open-mindedness	equal rights	dissent, choose, run risks, develop awareness	anywhere

source

All these are basic and fundamental to us. Anything outside of these needs is not really necessary. Max-Neef calls the ways of meeting our needs “Satisfiers”. They are means in which we tend to satisfy our needs on a daily basis. He defines them in the following categories.

Violators	Pseudo Satisfiers	Inhibiting Satisfiers	Singular Satisfiers	Synergistic Satisfiers
Claim to be satisfying needs, yet in fact make it more difficult to satisfy a need. E.g. drinking a soda advertised to quench your thirst, but the ingredients (such as caffeine or sodium salts) cause you to urinate more, leaving you less hydrated.	Claim to be satisfying a need, yet in fact have little to no effect on really meeting such a need. E.g. status symbols may help identify one’s self initially, but there is always the potential to get absorbed in them and forget who you are without them.	Those which over-satisfy a given need, which in turn seriously inhibits the possibility of satisfaction of other needs.E.g. an overprotective family stifles identity, freedom, understanding, and affection.	Satisfy one particular need only. These are neutral in regard to the satisfaction of other needs. E.g. food/housing volunteer programs aid in satisfying subsistence for less fortunate people.	Satisfy a given need, while simultaneously contributing to the satisfaction of other needs. E.g. breast feeding gives a child subsistence, and aids in the development in protection, affection, and identity.

source

Thus according to Max-Neef satisfying your needs is much more complex than you think and it has very little to do with choosing the best toothpaste out of 14 different kinds or taking your wife for dinner at the most fancy restaurant you can afford. So did you buy that Tissot watch you wanted? And after you did were you happy? I would still argue that you aren’t ? Because maybe you didn’t get your dream job yet and if you had that then you will finally be happy, right? But after that you would want to have that beautiful girl for a wife. right? But that won’t make you completely happy either because … and we all know when this ends. Never!

Do you really need that? 

Sasha Peakall asks her readers this question and in turn I am asking you. Do you really need that thing to be happy? I will answer for you and say NO, you really don’t. Here’s the thing about “need.” We tell ourselves we “need” possessions, we “need” to fit in, we “need” to impress and once we get this for a short while we may be happy, but once the effect wares off we are still sad, we still want to smoke that cigarette to relax our brain, which honestly you don’t need it, we will still eat a bowl of ice-cream or french fries out of depression thinking that i will aid our pain, and it won’t and so on.

What you really need to make you happy doesn’t come from the outside it comes from the inside. And I know this sounds like a tree-huger Buddha- meditating statement but it’s true. When you were born you had nothing and you were happy, when you will die you will have nothing and I am certain that in that moment you will be happy again. So why torment yourself with these lies and excuses that you give yourself everyday.

A happy person is not one that has everything, but one that desires nothing …

go ahead meditate on this for a second. It will make you happier.

In the end I leave you with these 2 video I found most inspiring.

The Science of Happiness – An Experiment in Gratitude

The Science of Happiness – Look on the Bright Side

 

 

My life as a vegetarian and other stories

I haven’t written in a long time. I was rather lost. And every time I wanted to write something on the blog I would convince myself it was not important enough to share it with others. Researching on the web on articles about blogging I discovered that everybody writes about themselves, about things in their lives and about the experiences that they have.

So I sat down and looked at my life and began to search what is the thing that I do on a daily basis regardless of anything, that thing which I don’t even notice I am doing since it has become a part of me. And since I am writing this post you probably understand that I found what I was looking for.

I am a vegetarian. Yes I am!

Not because I don’t want to kill animals or because I am an obsessive ecologist or because my religion will not allow it, nor because I believe I am making the world a better place by refusing to eat meat. Nope! I am a vegetarian because I feel I need to be and because it is the best diet for my particular type of body and metabolism. How do I know that?

It all began when I was little, maybe about 7 years old. My father started practicing yoga and as part of his practice he chose to embrace vegetarianism. At that point mom always had to cook 2 separate types of food, for us and for him. And as usual I always ended up tasting his food, which I considered very very tasty. He followed this diet for 3 years and then returned to being non-vegetarian.

At 13 being incredibly tall, I started having back pain. Low calcium and fast growing bones ensured that they were rather fragile and thin and as a result my spine nerves were touching each other (to put it in a simple way) causing me great pain. I have been to several doctors, have received many checkups, but one in particular stuck to my brain. One doctor decided to check if my back pain wasn’t caused by other things, like kidney stones so he chose to give me an ultrasound test. All turned out well except he told me that my liver was twice as big as a normal child at my age, and when I asked him why, he said probably because it stores to much fat. This phrase “twice as big, … because of fat” remained in my head for several years and it would eventually determine me to change my diet. I was dependent on sugars, oily foods, fast foods, fried foods, synthetic juices and even though I was not overweight I was chubby, unhealthy and very clogged.

Nothing of me is original, I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve met

This is a quote by Chuck Palahniuk that sums up my life and who I am today and which for sure is valid for everybody. To continue my story, while i was in high-school my mother got very very sick and was one step away from having cancer. In an attempt to improve her health, my father decided to send her to a Health Sanatorium he had found while searching for solutions to her problem. With a lot of effort and convincing she finally went. She spent 2 weeks under a very strict diet, of vegetable and fruit juices, sport and eco-therapy.  And after returning from there, she was not only healthier but she was also better from a psychological and one might say spiritual point of view. To my family this was a relief and we supported her on her vegetarian diet. And again vegetarianism was a part of our lives. This lasted for a year, then she also returned back to being a meat eater. I was still a meat eater too, I still had problems with controlling my weight and was feeling overall unhealthy and ‘un-alive’.

After finishing high-school and passing the admission exam at the faculty of architecture, I wanted to make a change. And as I went on my first workshop as an architecture student, life had pushed me even further on the path of becoming vegetarian. I had discovered some of my professors adopted the diet, their children have been vegetarian since they were born and then and there all the experiences that I had, all the questions about my health and all the situations in which I found myself in contact with not eating meat have finally made me reach the decision. Vegetarianism is for me. And I embraced it fully. For some reason it was not hard, it came naturally to me and the fact that my entire family was not vegetarian anymore was not a problem to me. For some reason this was the only thing in my life that defined me and was me.

I have been a vegetarian for 8 years now

8 years have passed since and I am not only a healthier person, but I am also a happier person and I have removed any kind of synthetic substances from my diet as well as flour based foods mainly since gluten has become rather unbearable for me to eat. My life on a daily basis as far as food is concerned consists of fresh shakes in the morning rich in protein derived from naturals products and not from powders, a large bowl of salad for lunch made of fresh vegetables, seeds and dried fruits, with cheese and olive oil, and at night something light. During the day I snack on seeds, fruits, vegetables and dink lots of water as well as my detox fresh juices that I make at home. And every 3 months I do a detoxing / cleansing  of my digestive system, liver and lymph. I am happy to say, my liver no longer has fat on it and  it  definitely was worth the effort.

As a conclusion listening to my body and what it requires had made me a happier, healthier person. I have more energy during the day, I sleep better, I feel alive and much lighter. I exercise occasionally, my favorite sport is power yoga, a 1 hour session with Rodney Yee  and not only has this affected me in a good way, but it has also inspired my family to become healthier. Listening to your body is the best way to stay healthy and live a longer fuller life. I don’t agree that vegetarianism is for everyone, but in my case it fits like a glove.

If you ever need to talk to someone about being a vegetarian feel free to write to me. I have not had very much support from people and I learned everything I know as I went along, from experience and always listening to how my body responded to the diet.

Stay healthy, live happy!

untill next time 🙂

 

 

Rome

First time I came to this place it was something I have never experienced in my life. The height of the columns, the vastness of the piazza, the stillness of the air, the great number of people waiting in line. It was a hot day in June, but there was something magical in the air, something that got attached to my soul which I carry with me to this day. “Mille viae ducunt homines per saecula Romam” and indeed they do. Every picture I see now of any place in Rome, my mind sends me directly to that place, to that particular time, to those particular moments I ate a peach on the steps of the forum, I drank water near the Colosseum and admired the beauty of Piazza Navona or the Spanish steps. I even remember the smell of the water from the Fontana di Trevi, and the freshness of the air in the Circus Maximus. I remember all these magnificently beautiful places reminiscent of a world passed, of a time distant, of a civilization greater than our own. Peter Zumthor once said  that good architectures is not the one in magazines, but one which touches us deeply. Rome did that. The mixed cluster of the roman city touched me deeply and impressed me to such extent that it made a deep imprint on my soul. Everything there touched me, buildings, people, the air, the noises, the smell, the colors, the textures and shapes. My state of mind, my feelings, the wait I experienced while sitting there. Everything is only within me. If I eliminate the square – my impressions disappear. I would never have had them without their atmosphere. That is logical. There is an interaction between human beings and things. That is what makes certain places better than others. That is what defines architecture. It’s not just the buildings, it’s not just the people, it’s the interaction between them…

 

A&E Bookbinding Shop

Hey Guys!

As you know from my previous post my sister and I started two years ago a handmade book shop. 🙂 We are happy to announce that our website is up and running. Please check it out and promote us and our crafts!  Thank you!

Click here!

I am a Rain Runner

Many times I am miserable because I focus on what I lack instead of what I have. I just keep thinking that everyone else has so much more, and that I have nothing compared to them. But sadly comparing ourselves to other is a game that ends badly which ever way we play it. If you act as if you’re worse off than others, you will believe it, and you will live your life feeling inferior. If on the other hand you act as if you’re superior to others, you’ll believe that too and you will end up living a life of arrogance, and that’s even worse. And either way you are still comparing yourself. Instead we should focus on us, compare us today with us yesterday, and be grateful for what good we have and change what we don’t like.

It’s fascinating how much time, money, and energy we spend trying to have more and be better than others. We look over our shoulder constantly, focusing on what others think of us – and it’s a never ending drain of energy. How many times have you caught yourself refusing to do one thing or anther because of what other will think of you, or buying something or another because you thought others will appreciate you more. Here is a story Sean Stephenson shares in his book that makes a point.

A few years ago, when I was twenty-five, I asked a girl out to a movie and dinner afterward, at a cafe across the street from our theater. When the movie let out, we headed to the front doors of the theater. It was pouring down rain. And not just any kind of rain. We’re talking about big fat Forrest Gump rain!  

I smiled at her and said, ”You’re ready?” ,   ” NO ” ,  ” Why not? ” I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. All we had to do to get to the cafe was make a quick dash across the street. 

”Sean” she said ” we don’t have an umbrella”, ”And… ?” I said in confusion. ”If we get we my hair is going to get wet!” She gave a shudder of horror. ” So what’s the big deal about that ? ” I asked. 

Now she was tapping her foot and rolling her eyes. ” Sean, if my hair gets wet, then, well … people are going to stare at me. ” Case closed. 

At this point my frustration had risen to a nearly uncontrollable level. I took a deep breath. ” Okay, time out. Let’s imagine twenty-five years have gone by, and we’re not even in each other’s lives anymore, but we think back about this date we went out on where it was pouring down rain and we went running through that rain together. We remember that we stopped and looked deep into each other’s eyes. Wouldn’t that be a memory you’d be willing to create right now?” 

A few seconds passed as she gave this romantic idea a thought. Then she shook her head firmly: ” No! I just can’t stand the thought of people looking at me with my hair all ruined.”

It was then and there that I realized this girl was surely not for me. I wanted to date women who were willing to run in the rain, literally and metaphorically. From that moment on, I was determined to surround myself not only with women but with business partners and friends who were willing to be rain runners. 

Sean concludes that to take a chance on happiness and adventure is a way to build your dreams. To focus on NOT doing something because of what others might think of you is a way to completely lose touch with your authentic self.

I am a rain runner and so is my sister. I remember many a times we went for a walk in the park near our neighborhood (we live in an apartment on 3rd floor, and we are nature people so more often than not we take walks outside ) and sitting on the bench talking about anything and everything, we would see the bus pass by and out of nowhere we would run to catch it without a thought or a worry of where are we going or why. And that feeling right there, when we decided to go for it and we did, is worth everything.

Are you rain runners?

A note to inspire

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything. But these days I have been reading a lot and the things I have been reading have inspired me to such extent that I want to share them in a way. Maybe somewhere, somehow they can help someone in need.

Many a times I find myself in a mind loop of self-talk which is most of the time negative that takes me to despair. And I am reading now that we all in one way or another experience this. Some people use this self-talk to motivate themselves, other use it to kill every motivation they ever had and in worse cases they use it to hurt themselves. The first story I want to share is : 

of a young guy that started right off  ever since he was a kid by identifying himself as ” a loser, a big time-loser”. Even though he was good looking and was not perceived as a loser by society, he always held back from everything, because he felt he wasn’t ” good enough, hardworking enough, that he had no future what so ever”. What he didn’t know was that he was far from alone in his feelings, and far from alone in his self-talk! What he needed to do was turn his self-talk around. What was hurting him more than anything (take into account that he was 26 living with his parents, in debt and out of work) was the limiting label he had put on himself most of his life: “I am a loser” I can’t think of a more unattractive phrase! If you tell yourself every day that you’re a loser, those you’re attracted to will sense this on a deep intuitive level and want nothing to do with you. It’s as simple and as brutal as that. 

I found this story quite inspiring and motivating and acknowledged that many a time I called myself a loser and didn’t go on doing things just because i thought i wasn’t capable of, and often convinced myself it was the truth. And that was totally wrong!

Another story that I read and found myself in it was this one I am about to share now:

A few years back I was speaking at a leadership development conference for college students, which was attended by thousand of people. At the end of the conference few of them stayed and we discussed about what I have talked about the topics I had discussed in my program. After a few minutes, a young woman in the group opened up. ” I am tired of being a doormat” she said. ” What does doormat mean? ”  She got quiet, her nose turned red and she started crying. ” A doormat is something everyone walks all over” She gasped for a breath and continued. ” A doormat is something everyone uses and then leaves behind. Everyone leaves their dirt on me.” 

Many a times i find myself thinking that I am not pretty enough, I am never going to live my dreams simply because I don’t deserve it. And worst I consider myself probably lower than a doormat. I believe about myself, that because of my past experiences, I will never get this or that, I am not good for this or that, and so on. And usually my self-talk and self-motivation sums up to: I would get a better job, BUT I am not good enough; I would go out, BUT I am not beautiful enough… I would travel, exercise, read, learn, keep in touch … BUT I don’t have the time, BUT I don’t have the money, BUT I don’t have the energy… BUT BUT BUT… and I find all these kinds of excuses that usually make me more bored, more grumpy and more unhappy.

Why do we like these BUT excuses so  much? Maybe because a BUT excuse gets us out of doing things we don’t want to do. A friend asks you, do you want to go to gym? and you say I would love to , BUT I don’t have the money for a fitness membership, or don’t have the time, or don’t have the energy. And you feel happy for the moment because you managed to get out of it. That’s good right! Wrong! It could never be more wrong. We skip the gym, leaving more for mindless computer browsing and our body suffers. We get stiffer and more out of shape, and start packing on the pounds. Meanwhile we cry that if we just had better genes, we would already be physically fit and trim. Our minds are experts at coming up with excuses. And the goal is not to be perfect. The real goal is to recognize when your mind is in an excuse loop and do something to get out of it!

Here’s a secret: the excuse itself is never the real reason behind our inaction: it’s just a cover-up for something we’re unwilling to face up to. The truth is that for some other reason that we may not want to acknowledge, we really don’t want to go to the gym, return to school, find a new job or what ever else. Our excuses mask our true feelings, which may be something like this: ” i hate working out because I feel fat at the gym” “I’m not interesting in dating because I am afraid of being dumped” ” I don’t want to do good at school, because this faculty is not what I really wanted to do in life”  

These true feelings are never said, and we hide behind our excuses so that everyone else will leave us alone. And that’s how an individual can end up being alone for the rest of their life. What should you to to stop coming up with excuses in your life and get things done ? Be true to yourself and change your behavior!

When we sell ourselves the lie that we are not “enough” (which often and many times i do) or that we are flawed or broken in some way, we short-circuit all our hopes and dreams. And this kind of self-talk defeats us before we ever begin, and makes it virtually impossible for us to look in the mirror and see the whole human being who’s really there. It also makes it impossible for our friends to help us. Many times my boyfriend wanted to brake up with me because of my insecurities. They were drowning me. It was like walking trough quick sand. No matter what he did to try to get me out of my destructive self-talk loop, I slipped deeper into my personal hell. What I learned from this only now is that nobody can help us get off except ourselves. You can throw people a rope, but if they refuse to grab on and pull their own weight, you can’t save them. Ultimately it’s their choice! And for some reason I didn’t want to grab the rope. For some unbelievable reason I couldn’t let go of my insecurities, doubts, fears and I had the tendency to pull him down with me. Why ? Because all these have been nurtured for years and years and from simple thoughts they have become my life’s beliefs. And the only way I could possibly go past this is by acknowledging my wrong beliefs and letting go of them. Hopefully I will succeed!

This note is inspired from Sean Stephenson’s book : Get off your “BUT” from which i used the stories I quoted and many of the ideas written here. Combined with my own experiences.

Hope it will be helpful to someone!

Frozen love

It is a night of cold and frost,
so cold, i fear my heart is lost,
to the white snowy winterscape.
I fear it’s lost without escape.

My feet are cold, the wind is strong,
I dream of places I belong,
where all is warm and filled with love,
where stars shine brightly from above.

i dream of you and our home,
a little peaceful loving dome,
where dreams are nurtured and caressed
where we are happy and live blessed.

Holding these dreams to keep me warm,
I shield my soul from heavy storm,
and walk with frozen feet in snow,
having your love as guiding glow …

where I am going, i don’t know …

Stuck in a depression loop from which I can’t get out

I am writing because I need help and because I need to let it all out, and the person who should listen, has lost his patience long time ago.

I have been in a relationship for 1 year and half, with someone that was first my friend 1 year and that afterwards became my boyfriend. At the beginning all was well, I was different. I was jolly, happy all the time and the only thing I wished for was for my boyfriend to be happy. I loved him regardless of anything he was doing or not doing. Didn’t ask for anything. And he did same. I just liked him as he was and with all that he was. The catch is that we were far away. about 1130 km away.We used to live in the same place but then I had to move back home and thats where the huge distance came in the picture.  I have went to visit him 3 times in the course of a year, regardless of what my family said. ( I was raised in a family where girls don’t chase after boys. They sit quietly and wait for boys to come after them) But I loved him so much and I needed to be there next to him in real life and express all my feelings. And it was great. Every time we were together for real, i felt strong, as if I had the power to conquer the world, as if everything would be alright. I cried when i had to return home but i got over it with the hope that we will meet next time. He couldn’t come visit me because he needed a visa and he couldn’t afford it at the moment. His motto is: be happy with what u have in the present. And i tried. Time passed by and from the first moments of true happiness things started to add up. I tried to find a job where he was. Failed. I rejected other jobs because they were far away from where he was. And my family started to pressure me with that. He told me once he felt that he is ignoring his friends because of me. (that hit me badly) We were far and in hard time the only thing I had was a fb chat, or a video chat. We went from talking every day in video to talking once in a while when we got that chance. And I started to get scared. I started to trust him less. And all the “moral” statements my family had given me started to prevail. “If he doesnt come here at least once he is not serious” “If he feels his ditching his friends for you, his love is not true” “When two people start a relationship they I first with each other and then the rest of the world comes in” and for me, that has been cheated on in the past, heartbroken and stepped on by guys I loved with my entire being and against everybody elses advice, this was enough to put me in a depression. I started to cry, to see that things are happening again, I was scared so I kept asking when are we going to get married. (he doesn’t like when i ask im this, because he doesnt know ) then my moms thought came in again “if a guy hesitates to discuss about marriage or has no plan he is not worth you time”. We used to have arguments and arguments and arguments that started from nothing. I used to blame him for always going out to be with his friend but never once coming to visit me. I blamed that he was always far away. And when i needed him most he couldnt be here. I blamed that he never shared stuff. I blamed that from my side he always seemed not to care to much about the distance. And then i cried. (he hates it when i cry) he offered comfort best he could in chat or video chat, but that never worked on my case. I would calm down for a while only to burst out again. I became addicted to my phone and to him writing to me and every time he didnt reply i would freak out and we would argue again. He is short tempered so his patience runs out pretty quickly. Then he says bad words, like ” leave me alone” ” go find somebody else that will do what ever you say and will be with you when ever you need him too” “get the hell out of my life and so on” and it hurt. all these words hurt. And if my mind forgets, my heart doesn’t. And they add up. and we argue more often and badly. And in the end I cry and feel hurt and can’t go on. Last argument was the other night. He told me to get lost and I did. I closed my phone and I let him be. He wrote to me so see how I was and i burst out again, and we had another argument. Last night he wrote to me that he will go and get drunk at some guys birthday. I freaked out. I started crying and called him begging that he would go home. That for once he would ditch his friends and go home, because i asked him to. He said he would go home in a while. But he didnt. I fell asleep waiting for him and woke up at 6 in the morning and saw that he didnt keep his promise. I freaked out again. I miscalled him and we had another argument. He told me to “get the hell out of his life” 

Dont understand wrong there are good parts. We had great memories together. And he supports me when i need it. we chat everyday from morning till night. I tell him what I do almost every hour. He miscalls when he wakes up to say good morning and every night he says good night. We have nice conversations and we exchange loving words too. It’s not all just sadness and depression.

But once in a while something, triggers my sadness and I get stuck in a loop from which I can’t get out. Problem is he has lost his patience with me. He doesn’t want to listen anymore, he doesn’t want to talk about the same thing over and over and over again when there is no solution from his point of view. And all i want to do is talk and talk and talk and figure out a way to make it better for us. He says I keep ruining our present. But then I get more sad, because in my present he isn’t actually real. He’s at the end of a fb line.

And when I say my patience has run out too.( It’s been 8 months since we had been together. I don’t have money at the moment so I cant go see him and it’s getting harder and harder.) his answer is go find somebody else.

But that love from the beginning the one that happened regardless of anything. I love him. there is no because. His company gives me joy and happiness in real life. And just to know he is in the same room with me makes me the happiest girl on earth.

I don’t want to give up! But I don’t want to argue either! And I dont know from where to get the strength and the hope and the faith to go on, anymore. My family says I love making a soap opera out of all this, instead of understanding that it’s not worth it and let go. They say it is a waste of time and energy, and that he would have come to visit me 10 times by now, had he really wanted to.

I don’t know what to do! And the person I really should be talking to, him, doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. And after this mornings argument I am not sure he wants to talk with me at all.

I feel that it is my fault all of this is happening, but there are times when I just want to argue and irritate him to take revenge for hurting me with his words and actions, that he sometimes took. If I could find a way to let go of this need to hurt back, I think all would be alright ….

Hello again creative people!

Hello again creative people!.

Hello again creative people!

Hello friends long time no write, but that doesn’t mean I have not been creative. I would like to introduce you to my latest project, which I have started in September 2013 and it is still going on pretty well. I’ve been passionate about bookbinding and book making for quite some time now and I have finally managed to put it all up together and create my own bookbinding shop, in a virtual form for now. You can give it a look here : at annesbookindingshop and see if you find anything you like or inspires you.

And just to make you curious here is our latest project from the shop: recipe notebook and kindle cover, by Anne’s Bookbinding shop 🙂

 

Caffeine for the Creative mind – the 250 days creativity experiment

Caffeine for the Creative mind – the 250 days creativity experiment.

Traveling in my mind I see the world

First time I came in contact with Nepal was at the age of 10, when I found out that the highest mountain on earth, Everest, was located there. But I have to admit it did not make me very curious to read more about the country. In my mind, at that age, the country didn’t seem very different from mine, even though the culture was more colorful.

My very first direct contact with the country and culture was two years ago. And I mean direct to the extent that I have met people from there, not visited. Still the impression I have about it is good, has not yet been altered in any way, even though my friends warn me, it is totally different then I think it is. And yet I continue to keep my hopes high. Facts though encourage me to think otherwise: one of the poorest countries in South Asia, 42% of its people live below the poverty line, over 2.5 million youths migrated to other countries to find jobs, government: ongoing political instability since 1996; federal republic (December 2007), over 60% of teachers are unqualified, low attendance from poor disadvantage communities, over 18% of children are missing education, women’s literacy rate is less than 30%. Perhaps that sounds kind of scary. If you don’t understand the impact of these figures on society, then they don’t actually mean much. And despite everything, people survive, live their lives, enjoy their festivals and celebrate their gods just as we do in our clean churches with heat systems and cushions on chairs, where we quietly sit and listen to the priest every Sunday.

The country is beautiful, pure, nature there and human in some places live as an extension to one another. Their culture, even though for me in many parts it is hard to accept, understand or assimilate, it looks colorful, different and it teaches of variety and diversity. There are many things I can’t understand or agree with, but that’s just because I belong to a different culture, I was born to different set of rules and values, I was taught an opposite way of seeing the world. But that does not make me entitled to not regard such a culture as being unique and interesting in its own way.

At last, I leave you with a magical collection of photos by Danish photographer, Soren Lauridsen and Nepali photographer, Jagadish Tiwari, they reflect the society as is.

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Autumn night

The air around is blurry
A misty fog covers the ground
People pass by in hurry
There is hardly any sound.

Even the gentle wind is silent
The sky, dark with shiny stars
The moon shows as a compliment
To this beautiful night, without cars.

The quiet , so deep, you  hear the earth spinning,
The textures, so calm, the moment is caressing,
The air, the skin, the night , the soul,
And I don’t feel  alone,  but surrounded by all…

by me 4/11/2013

A story

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.

I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what  others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Source: Received via Email

Object design

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“Each one of us is the sum total of every moment that we’ve ever experienced with all the people we’ve ever known.”

The Architecture of Happiness

The plane landed. I arrived at this airport at least 5 times so far. It makes me happy every single time. Pass through the same arrival section, through the main gate, and to the bus stop, where every single time I have waited for the same bus to the train station. Same route of trains, same smell of the sea in Mestre. Same desire to jump on a train and instead of going north, travel for 10 minutes only to lose my self on the narrow streets of Venice. I’m 25. Just graduated and nothing makes sense. I want a job, but nobody is giving me. I want to travel but i have no money left. The last few euros I am spending on this trip. Why? Because it makes me happy. Because even though here, in this country I have nothing, my soul has everything. It feeds off on sun rays, sea sent, venetian houses, italian language, the site of pizza, the texture of piazzas, the movement of trees, the shade of the mountains. It feeds off everything that this country has. And it is magical. I am like a little child in a candy store, with eyes so big and full of tears with happiness. This is my world. This is where I belong.

It’s a 4 hours train ride. But it passes by fast. At the lake my heart starts to jump in my chest. Just a few more stops and I will be there, in my city, with the mountains, with the parks and the rivers and the duomo. I can’t yet live here. But everytime i come back i know that this is my dream place, my dream world, the place i want to wake up every morning for as long as I live. Every detail in this city lifts my soul higher, every aspect of the surroundings makes me jump with joy. This is where i want to be, this is where I am … this is where I belong… this is where I experience my sense of place… my little piece of heaven… the architecture that makes me happy… my muse…

Chances

We only live once, how many chances we get to say something nice to someone, to dance in the rain, to enjoy a sunset, to bake a cake for our loved ones, to hide from the storm, to meet people we’ve never met before, to see a rainbow, to hug someone who really needs it … to do something we’ve never done before … to do something for the first time … how many chances do we get indeed? … only a few

Imbalaced and in motion

” Riding the fence on the edge of the sky,
Falling without a fall in a perfect imbalance” – Valerie

She spreads her arms and learns how to fly,
Embraced by divine in a moment of silence … – Anne