She stood there on her bed for the umpteenth time these past months staring into empty space. Or at least from outside, it looked like that. But she knew there wasn’t empty space she was staring at, but the memory of him. In her vision, he was there on the bed next to her and she was looking in his eyes as if she was looking in a mirror, searching for answers and solutions to a problem her own brain would not accept as being impossible to solve. She couldn’t understand why it had to happen like this, but the reality of it brought shivers down her back every time she realized. Sitting like that and staring at some ghost was something she did every night when she went to bed. He was still very present in her memories, on her skin, in her words and thoughts. She knew this because she didn’t want to let go of him even if he perhaps had moved on forgetting the entire year they shared together, forgetting every second of love and innocent caresses, of walks in the rain late at night always covered by the fear that they would be discovered by his friends. This fear would spill and infect her feeling every time he showed signs of distress. She never understood the point of hiding such an innocent and pure feeling. He always said he was protecting her from the bad words of his friends, from the bad jokes and laughs in a language she couldn’t understand, from the strange looks and sneaky stares behind her back for daring to love a human out of her grasp. She was never afraid of facing this, but sometimes it crossed her mind that maybe he was only afraid for himself, for the reputation he had and wouldn’t want to break even if it didn’t define him.
After 2 months she was still pushing away every guy that tried to approach her because she felt she was cheating on him, she was cheating on herself and on her love for him. She was afraid to discover that another one would worship her more and this would only prove that he didn’t deserve her at all, that her love in his heart meant nothing. The fact that another man would cherish her more than he did, made her cry even worse because this meant that he wasn’t worthy of her feelings. And yet every night he was faithfully there in the form of a vision, lying softly on the bed, smiling at her tenderly. Every time she would fall asleep with the thought that tomorrow she will not see him again, but this of course was never true. He was there when she walked on the street when she sat in class every day listening to the teacher, even on the bus on her way home, the ghost was following her every step of the day. He would go away only when she willingly would have pushed him out of her brain, she knew that well enough, but she didn’t want to, she needed him to linger a while longer until the wound caused by him ripping himself away from her heart would start to heal. That time would eventually come, she was aware of it but at the moment the thought was of no importance to her. She only resumed to loving a ghost of the past. It was with these feelings she again walked in the faculty this morning. It was always interesting, she thought, how when talking to other people she would be nice, cute, jolly and with a sweet smile on her face, just like she was before. She never did it willingly; it came from inside her as if there were 2 persons, one in love with him and one that was in love with the rest of the world. Her friend had told her today that in the past her jolliness was crazy, whereas today it was somewhat sad. Deep down she knew what changed. She had fallen in love totally and completely with no turning back. She had to accept the fact and move on, one step at a time towards the future with whatever held in it. Sometimes she felt like in those Indian movies and she would smile at herself waiting for some romantic music to play in the background and him to come running towards her. Such a silly thought it was.
After all these reflections and inner self-discussions, she concluded that the best thing to do is sit and wait and see what happens. And so she did…
*
Al felt awkward every time he went to class. Even if he was 2 years older than any of the people attending the course, somehow he would always go inside with his head down and most of the time all red faced. Nobody noticed him anyway or at least this is what he thought and hoped for. He just returned from a long trip from Indonesia and it was stressful enough to adjust to climate changes and time zones, thus meeting new people were something he didn’t want to give much importance to. But the most stressful thing was to adjust himself to his new feelings and beliefs. He didn’t want to or need to make new acquaintances, he would only nurture the old ones just so that they would not fall apart and go on with his life not willing to be unnoticed or famous but knowing exactly what he wants to do with it.
The teacher had already begun and as always he was late, but who cared, the teacher didn’t force anyone to attend the course, everyone was free to do as they pleased. Al opened the door and head down went inside the class around the set of benches towards the back of the room only to come back on the other side and sit in his usual spot. The class was on the same topic as last week, physical planning and landscaping. He loved it. But then again he loved anything that had to do with his field of interest. School was the best thing that happened to his life and the ability to learn and study made his curiosity for discovering new things go sky high. He was a melancholic type of person who could stick for days meditating on some sad point in his life and yet he had this side of him that loved architecture in all its ways. This last year though changed him very much. He went from being an arrogant, self-centered bastard to an inwardly centered creature open to self-refinement and contemplation. Nothing much changed of his old habits but the way he saw the world was different. The way he perceived the silence in it was what made him ask himself different questions. He still was a bloody bastard he thought, but one with high capability of understanding the life and the role he had in it. His only true friend was a 36-year-old teacher, of whom he was very fond and with whom he could have metaphysical discussions after a few bottles of beer. The teacher loved him because he saw himself in Al’s eyes and wanted for him a better future than his own.
– I think we will have a break now and we can continue after that. We don’t want your brains to overburn, do we, said the teacher laughing ironically at the class.
Everybody went out and started conversing over small insignificant everyday facts. After 10 minutes the teacher announced that the break was over. Everybody went on with their discussion moving towards the class. Al was busy eating his sandwich and as usual too lost in his thoughts to notice or give too much importance to anything that happened around him. He went to his usual place and while sitting down he gazed at the entire class with laziness. It was then that he noticed her. And not her as a human but her eyes looking back at him as if she knew what he felt, as if she could read his thoughts as if she could touch his soul there in that very moment. He sat down puzzled. What did just happen? He looked back again only to find her doing the same thing. So she too had felt something different. He turned his attention back to the teacher and his course, letting himself become absorbed by the information. He would think of her later. One thing was certain; from that moment on he was aware of the existence of her on the surface of the earth. She was there, one girl from 6 billion people on the planet and he consciously became aware of that. And it only took a glance. He overheard discussions about her the first day he came to class, but he didn’t give to much attention to that and he also remembered her as a shadow on the hallway while he was trying to converse with her friend. She knew every person he knew and was very close to them and yet they never spoke to each other before nor have they ever been aware of each other before. Of course he would not assign any cosmic meaning to such a small event but certainly something did happen between them in that moment and he decided he would give a second thought to it some time later during the day.
*
She came to class with the thought to vanish from her sorrows at least for some time. She used this as a medicine, a form of involuntarily forgetting her pain. She loved the teacher and the course. There were always 15 people in class, students interested to learn something new and more then that Diana was always there sitting next to her smiling back when ever she got the chance. She was sitting quietly not being able to concentrate completely when the class door opened. It was Al. As always 15 minutes late, head down going about the class to find his seat. The selfish arrogant bastard as she called him who had the money and the guts to quit school for 2 years and go work in some famous architecture office in Denmark. Just another rich spoiled brat she thought while turning back to the teacher. This small distraction made her forget her own painful thoughts and thus restored the so much wanted need to concentrate on the lesson. How each of us has his perfect place in the world and how if you acknowledge that you need help, such help is given, when you need it even if you are not aware of it was something that made her smile. All other reflections on the matter were lost and the teacher had the total attention until he called for brake.
She went for chocolate during the small brake and returned only one moment after the door was closed after her, sign of the beginning of the second part of the lecture. She went to her place and while sitting down she too glanced smiling at the class, when she saw him. She just looked back at him, for how long she couldn’t say but it felt like eternity. There were no thoughts, just a pause, as if the world stopped, as if his eyes and her eyes somehow refused to obey the bodies or the brain and would not move from each others gaze. She shyly sat down but curiously looked back at him again. And there he was answering to her gaze with his own questioning look. So he felt something change too. She was amazed. This was not love at first sight; she knew that but the change it brought in the perception of this person from that moment on was no mystery to her, it was as real as her own hand. She decided she would give some more time to thinking what happened a bit later, perhaps she might even write something about it if she felt creative, who knows. But the image of those blue eyes stared back at her in her head for the entire week and even though later on she did give a second thought, the poem was never created nor was there any other inquiry or investigation upon the matter. It all became just another average moment of an average day. Weeks past and nothing interesting happened apart from the usual self pitying and crying, which she always did, hiding from the rest of the world, in the corner of her room when everyone else was asleep.
It was some weeks later on an early morning that she got an email from him.
Hi!
I wanted to invite you next Friday at 4 in the afternoon at discussions regarding thesis ideas and project selections just so we get to know what each of us is doing and perhaps, if we share the same topic, we can even work together.
Al
At first she thought, selfish arrogant little bastard, what is it that you want to show off now, how cool and great your New Zeeland project is going to be. She never thought of accepting this and even went furious the next day straight to Diana asking her what she thought of such impertinence. She was amazed to discover that her friend actually was very much interested in joining such meeting and that she also got the message from another classmate. Going was not a problem for her but facing him again would only mean two things: 1. He might just not be what she imagined in that second and she would be disappointed again, and that she couldn’t bare and 2. Maybe he was all that she thought he was and just maybe he liked her after all, in which case she would have to disappoint him. Either way she decided to go participate at the meeting and see what would happen.
*
Al got ready for the presentation. Copying his things on the pen drive and adjusting here and there some text or image he thought didn’t look nice. When she came inside he turned instantly red and involuntarily spontaneous responded to her hello. He always hated how his face would turn like a tomato every time he was embarrassed by something or someone. He went back to his laptop but was completely aware of her presence in the room, of her laughs, of her voice while she talked to her friend. At some point he noticed with the corner of his eye a new person in the class, much younger. He never saw her before. The person was talking with her in German and at some point they were hugging, that’s when he turned to see what she was doing. But he forced himself not to pay attention and going back to his laptop he tried to relax and think less about anything that would distract him from his work. But like woken from a dream he heard her asking him a question. “Al? When is this going to be over?” He froze looking back at her. He tried speaking but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth, instead he raised his shoulders and gestured an uncertain look. She turned back to her friend and he relaxed. What was that, he didn’t know? He was embarrassed by her presence.
Everybody was there and at some point he said someone should start. It was a free open presentation of the thesis proposal and each had to do it, but he didn’t want to go first so he invited someone else. That’s when she said the name of another boy in the class and the presentations started. Where to sit was his next problem? Away from her, next to her, in the end he decided to sit somewhat in front of her but a bit to the right and that, he found, was very much satisfying for him. He would need a lot of concentration not to be distracted but he trusted himself to be capable of such control. It was her turn to present and he listened to her calmly always smiling back and listening with normal interest. After that it was his turn. He started by expressing the need for such a presentation, the usefulness and advantage of repeating such meetings in the future and where from he got such an idea in the first place. Then very much embarrassed he moved to his thesis and spoke openly of what he intended to do. She was very much interested in the subject and soon a discussion started between them on the topic. The moment they spoke to each other he realized that the magic had broken off. She was just another girl and he was just another boy and they just happened to look into each others eyes at a specific moment in time. That was all. He relaxed and responded kindly and nicely to her questions only to conclude at the end it was all just a wrong impression and the fear to have fallen in love was gone.
*
What she thought while entering the class and seeing him at the teacher’s desk was to control her selfishness and arrogance and act normal as best as she could. And so she did. She even told herself to be brave enough to talk to him and even inquire upon more things regarding his thesis than she would usually do. She was a bit scared to present in front of the class but it was something between students thus it wasn’t such a big deal anyway. It was his turn and she felt the need to ask him everything, anything just so to learn from his voice the truth of her own thoughts. He replied nicely and his concepts of life flipped her perception of him upside down. He was no longer the shellfish arrogant bastard she always thought him to be, but a very smart, modest and shy boy that was only interested in architecture. She too relaxed and was more at ease because she understood there would be no complications in this relationship. He was just a boy and she was just a girl and they just happened to look at each other in a specific moment in time. No cosmic event was needed to be attributed to such normal and common moment. She concluded later on that all was just a wrong impression and the fear to have fallen in love was gone.
*
A few minutes after that they were both descending the staircase and looking at each other one more time, each going separate ways understanding that there was nothing special about them meeting and that it all should be given just the usual concern and nothing more…
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